Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Happiness is. . .


I love "Happiness is a Warm Puppy", the Peanuts book with cute drawings about what happiness is. Most of the things in the book are very simple, things like "Happiness is walking in the grass with your bare feet." It sounds so trite, but the more I think about it the more I realize how true it is.

I haven't been particularly happy lately. I haven't felt great, and I've been stressed out by all the projects that we've been working on around here. Caradorn hasn't been home as much as I would like and The Kidd was spending a week with my parents, and I felt sort of overwhelmed by all that was going on. Things weren't progressing as fast as I would have liked and I was getting discouraged - it seemed like a constant case of "1 step forward, 2 steps back."

We made a huge amount of progress over the weekend, though, and suddenly things are looking much better. I think there might be hope that we will eventually finish all of our projects. Some root beer and some sleep last night seem to have cured my zombie problem from yesterday, and this afternoon I finally have time to sit down and relax.

I'm sitting at a bistro table next to a window with the laptop and a cup of tea, and I just realized that I am actually feeling quite happy. I have some 1940s music playing, there's a cat curled up in a sunbeam next to me and a dog sleeping by my chair. Outside it almost looks like fall and the flowers are blowing in the breeze. There's what looks like a young wren singing and splashing in the birdbath and a family of cardinals at the bird feeder, and three hummingbirds keep visiting their feeder right next to the window. The Kidd is upstairs playing one of the computer games he got for his birthday and he occasionally comes down to ask me to come see something new he has built on there. On the coffee table is a big stack of books that are waiting for me to read them, and according to Caradorn's last text he might even be home at a decent time today.

There isn't anything hugely exciting going on, but it's still almost a perfect afternoon. I'm always so busy trying to get things done or looking forward to the big things like trips or concerts or shows that I sometimes forget to stop and appreciate the simple things. I need to remember this more often. Sometimes happiness is as simple as a quiet afternoon and a cup of tea.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Smarter than the average zombie

I am so tired. I literally do not think I have ever been this tired before. Also, I don't seem to be able to think clearly any longer. I don't know if it's a result of the massive, energy-zapping home-improvement kick I was on for the last few days, or if it's because I am now the parent of a teenager and this is how that feels, but I am exhausted.

Actually, I do think I know what's going on here. I think I died. Maybe it was that huge cabinet that fell on me the other day or maybe it was just a lack of sleep that did it. Or maybe someone killed me during the brief time when I did manage to sleep last night. I guess it doesn't really matter too much what killed me since the end result is the same - I'm dead. Given the way I feel right now I'm not sure I would complain much if I was snuggled into a cozy little coffin six feet under (as long as I had blankets and a TV, and maybe snacks), but I am not. Unfortunately, someone seems to have turned me into a zombie.

No, I don't have a craving for nice fresh brains. I'm not some silly video game zombie (Or a Jonathan Coulton zombie for that matter). Nor am I a horror movie zombie, so you can just put that chainsaw away.

No, I think I am a real zombie - one of those dead people that doesn't know she's dead but instead staggers around trying to complete some task. But I have figured it out, hence the "smarter than the average zombie" part. I'm really stiff and achey - I think it's the rigor-mortis kicking in. I don't seem to be too focused on any one particular task, though, so whoever did this doesn't seem to have done a very good job.

I don't know why someone would have done this to me. It makes me sad. If there was something they wanted me to do, they should have just asked me. They didn't need to do something this drastic.

Anyway, I'm off to try to find a cure now. And maybe get dinner while I'm at it. I'm thinking burgers. Or pizza. Or maybe something I haven't tried before. I might be in the mood to be more adventurous today. I know! I've never tried sweetbreads before. . .

Friday, July 24, 2009

Since I'm feeling lazy today. . .

Yesterday I discovered a wonderful site - The Lazy Bloggers Post Generator. Since I am in fact feeling lazy today, and since I have a ton of things to do before The Kidd comes home Sunday, I decided to make use of that site for my post today.
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Holy Blog Of Doom, Batman! I just returned from my daily swim on the beautiful Fijian beach and realised I have not updated this since the 21st... You would not believe that my hands were chopped off and I was waiting for bionic ones. But I'm sorry you'll just have to take my word for it.

I am so busy with discovering time doesn't stand still, learning to speak Japanese, and just generally being an embarrassment to my cats. My day is a nightmare I would like to wake up from, from the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies to sun down and beyond. I am putting money aside so I can run away. Maybe tomorrow.

I solemnly swear I will make more of an effort to blog more often until the nice men in the white coats come back. You have my word! Don't hold your breath though, you're likely to turn blue..

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Okay, well. . . I guess there really isn't anything more to say. No promises that I won't use that site again. . . I always did love Mad Libs. :) Now I need to get to work. I've frittered away all the time I was supposed to be using for big projects while The Kidd was out of town and didn't really accomplish anything. (I had fun though - I guess that's something.) I have today and tomorrow to finish my entire "To Do" list before he gets back and life returns to normal. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Movies

We've been watching lots of movies this summer, in theaters and at home. I thought I'd take a few minutes today to post my thoughts on a few of them.

Wolverine - This is the first in the "X-Men:Origins" series. I had heard mixed reviews before seeing this one and wasn't sure what to expect, but I actually really enjoyed it. Lots of good actions scenes and more of a storyline than I had been led to expect. It didn't entirely work with the established story of Wolverine from other movies and the comics, but it worked well enough. I'll be buying this on Blu-ray when it comes out.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen - I really loved the first Transformers and had high hopes for this one. It didn't entirely live up to those expectations. I liked it, but didn't love it as much as the first one. The action scenes were great, but the story had plot holes big enough to drive Devastator through. That isn't usually a problem for me - I have a pretty good ability to suspend disbelief - but there were several things that jumped out at me while I was watching the movie. They were enough to distract me from the movie, which almost never happens. Add to that the fact that the humor was more suited to a 13 year old boy and it adds up to something less that I had hoped for. But I did still enjoy it and I am sure we'll buy it eventually.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - Loved it! We saw this at midnight the night it came out. I continue to be suprised by just how popular Harry Potter is here in Rocket City. The movie was showing on 12 of the 18 screens at our Rave Theater and the place was packed. I saw lots of people I recognized from the book releases, and many people were in costume. The movie would have had to be pretty bad for me not to like it and fortunately it was pretty good. I think it's my favorite of the series to date. I usually re-read all the books in the series before each book or movie release, but I got smart and didn't do that this time. I think I enjoyed the movie much more than I would have if the book had been fresh in my mind. While I was watching the movie I enjoyed it quite a bit, and it was only afterward that I started realizing just how much had been left out. There were some fairly important parts of the book that were not included in the movie. I'm particularly unhappy about one thing that was left out and one thing that was greatly minimized. And there was one huge addition that I didn't like at all. Plus, too much screen time was given to a fairly minor plot point. Still, despite all that I did greatly enjoy the movie. I'm looking forward to seeing the last two movies - and I'm really glad that the last book is getting two movies; there's no way they could do it justice with just one film.

Wanted - We watched this one on television. We had intended to see it in theaters but saw Hellboy 2 instead, and in retrospect I'm really glad we did. I didn't love this one. Visually it was fun - the action scenes and effects were good - but there was almost no storyline. And it seemed like there was a story lurking there somewhere, but they just never really explored it. I love fluffy action movies (face it, "Doom" is not ever going to be up for any awards but I love that movie) but this one just didn't do anything for me. I don't think I'll be watching it again. I probably would have liked it more if James McAvoy had kept his real accent; at least it would have been fun to listen to then. (And as a side note - I am so looking forward to "Gnomeo and Juliet". I'm glad McAvoy is going the voice of Gnomeo, though I wish they had stuck with Ewan McGregor.)

Death Race - Loved it. I know it seems strange given the complaint about "Wanted" not having much a story, but I thought this one was great. It did have a storyline beneath all the action. It was a perfect summer action movie - lots of explosions, cool car scenes, characters that you could either love or hate, and a great accent to listen to. Some parts were pretty predictable but there were a few surprises too. I will be buying this one.

Tropic Thunder - Well, I didn't find this one offensive. After hearing so much about it when it was in theaters I thought I would be, but maybe all these years of South Park have dulled me to offensive things because "Tropic Thunder" didn't seem that bad to me. I didn't really find it funny, though. A few scenes, yes, but overall. . . meh. Not great. I really only watched it because Robert Downey Jr. was in it - I don't like Ben Stiller and really don't like Jack Black so maybe that contributed to my dislike of the film. I will definitely not be watching this one again. Just not my thing, I guess. It just kind of left me flat.

Made of Honor - Usually my movie tastes are more "guy-like", but I do like a few romantic comedies. I mainly watched this one because of Patrick Dempsey, and the fact that there were Scottish accents didn't hurt. I really liked it! It was totally predictable, but it was cute. One of those happy, fluffy movies like "You've Got Mail" or "Simply Irresistable" that I enjoy. It's still a chick flick, but one I think boyfriends or husbands could tolerate.

Monday, July 13, 2009

It's a Conspiracy

Darth finally seems to have gotten used to having me home again. He's still sleeping on the bed, which is unusual for him, but he's not trying to keep me awake. Which is great - now I can finally sleep, right?! Wrong. Apparently I am really not supposed to be sleeping.

For whatever reason I wasn't tired enough to sleep at a reasonable time last night, so I was wide awake till around 12:00. I finally started to feel like I could fall asleep, but just as I started to feel drowsy the thunderstorm started. Apparently God, or Mother Nature, or Zeus (is he the one that throws the thunderbolts?) or whoever else is in charge of the weather decided I should stay up a little longer. Kelly (the sheltie) is afraid of storms. Horribly afraid of them. She whines and whimpers and pants and cries and tries to climb up onto the bed. But if I put her on the bed she paces and tries to jump back down to the floor.

By 12:15 the power went out. Apparently Rocket City Utilities also thinks I shouldn't be sleeping. The only way that Kelly will calm down during a storm is if she is in a room with a person and the television is on. By this point I was in the guest room with Kelly because Cardorn has to go to work ridiculously early right now and he really needed to sleep. Kelly was not happy when the power went out. After a couple of hours the storm died down, but the power didn't come back on. She is also afraid of the dark. Usually there is enough light in our house for her to be okay, but with the power out it was pitch black and that apparently made her nervous. I didn't want her to wake Caradorn up, and I also didn't want to lock her somewhere by herself because I knew she'd be terrified. And so I spent the rest of the night in the guest room with a flashlight on, listening to the radio. A few times I thought that Kelly was calm enough for me to try to sleep, but as soon as I turned one or the other off she started freaking out again. If I started to doze off with the flashlight and radio on, the radio station would suddenly play a REALLY LOUD song. I don't know what station it was - it's an old radio and I couldn't tell what I had it tuned to - but apparently whatever local station plays weird elevator music/jazz also doesn't want me sleeping.

The power did finally come back on at a little after 8:00 this morning, almost 8 hours after it went off. Sadly, The Kidd had just gotten up and the cats had decided it was time for me to get up as well. Kelly was fine by this point but it was too late for me to get any sleep. I am seriously considering trying to nap later, although maybe if I don't then I will actually be able to fall asleep early tonight.

Or at least I can try to fall asleep early. But if this really is some huge conspiracy. . .

{ which of course it must be! ;) }

. . .then I won't be able to. In that case, I am anxious to see what will happen tonight to keep me from sleeping! I'm sure it will be interesting.

Friday, July 10, 2009

It's nice to be missed. . .

. . .but sometimes I wish the animals weren't quite so happy to have me home. Usually for the first couple of days after we come home from a trip the animals are very clingy. This time has been worse than usual, for some reason. Kelly (the Sheltie), Stitch (the Aussie) and Oliver (the orange cat) have been following me around every day looking pitiful if I don't pay attention to them. They are also trying to kill me. Or at least they are going to accidentally kill me, if they aren't trying to do it intentionally. I can't walk down the stairs without at least one of them running under my feet.

On the other hand, Darth (the black cat) has been virtually ignoring me during the day. I would think that he hadn't missed me while I was gone, but he's more than making up for that lack of attention as soon as I try to go to sleep. Each night, as soon as I get into bed, Darth starts wanting attention. I have to keep my hands hidden under the pillow or the covers or he will nibble on my fingers or keep bumping my hands with his head, trying to get me to pet him. He isn't quite as bad if he thinks I am asleep, but if he realizes that I am awake he starts meowing at me until I acknowledge him. If I somehow manage to fall asleep, I wake up later to find him perched on my shoulder, "vulturing" over me like Snoopy. I am glad that he seems to have missed me, but I really need to get some sleep at some point. And even when I do fall asleep, it isn't exactly restful having little feet walking all over me all night. He does eventually get tired and he curls up right next to my face or right between my shoulder blades to sleep. But if I wake up and he realizes it then he's right back to demanding attention.

Oddly, he doesn't bother Caradorn at all. Well, I say "oddly", but I think the fact that Caradorn has thrown him off the bed every time Darth has bothered him when he's trying to sleep might have something to do with it. Darth seems to have given up on getting any attention from Caradorn at night. And The Kidd sleeps far too deeply. Trying to get him to pay attention to you at night is a lost cause. Which leaves me. Add to that the fact that I typically stay awake much later than everyone else and that makes me the logical target, I guess.

I know what you are thinking - you're probably wondering why on earth I don't just shut the door to the bedroom in order to keep him out. And I have tried doing that, but when I do then he and Oliver both sit outside the room, scratching on the door and crying. Plus, each night I figure he must be getting tired of all this by now. Surely he's used to having me home and he will finally go back to "normal" again soon. Of course, by the time he finally gets tired of me it will probably be time for us to travel somewhere else, and then I will get to go through all this again when I come back home.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Half Full? Half Empty? It's complicated.

I was watching the news yesterday when they started to talk about a new report concerning statin drugs. Those are the drugs such as Crestor and Lipitor which are commonly used to lower cholesterol. During the report, they mentioned that it has been discovered that those drugs can cause muscle damage and other complications in some people. This did not come as a surprise to me. It's a fact that I became well aware of a couple of years ago. It's also a fact that caused me untold hours of stress and really highlighted one of the major differences between Caradorn and me.

During the summer of 2007 Caradorn started taking one of the Statin drugs. By that fall, when he had a follow up appointment to see if it was working, the doctor discovered that some of Caradorn's blood work was not quite right. He told Caradorn to stop taking the drug and to come back for more testing in a month. Neither of us was too concerned at that point. But by Thanksgiving his blood work looked even worse. It appeared that Caradorn was suffering from quite a bit of muscle damage, and it was getting worse instead of better. It was at this point that the difference between us really started to become apparent.

Caradorn is a "Glass half full" kind of person. Actually, he's really a "Look, it's more than half full. I think it's filling up even more. It's practically overflowing! Everything is wonderful!" kind of person. He wasn't worried at all. He knew that his test results were just a side effect of the medicine and they would clear up soon.

I am also a "Glass half full" kind of person. Caradorn would disagree - he thinks I'm more of a "Glass half empty" type. He's wrong, though. I really do see the glass as half full. It's just that I am also a "Wait - why isn't it completely full? Why just half full? Is it leaking? I think it's leaking! What if it gets worse?! What if it ends up empty? What do we do?! Quick, everyone panic!" kind of person. In other words, I worry.

I made the mistake of using Google to try to find other possible causes of test results like his. This was a very bad idea, because every single result was something horrible. The possible outlooks for the conditions ranged from "With treatment you can lead a somewhat normal life for a few years" to "If you start writing your will right now you'll still be too late because you'll be dead before you finish." Caradorn didn't care - he still believed it was just lingering effects from the medication. I did care, and I started watching him like a hawk for any symptoms of all the various illnesses I thought it might be. Unfortunately, the symptoms were all fairly normal things that happen all the time, so I was convinced that he was going to drop dead any minute.

It was a very stressful few months. I couldn't seem to concentrate at all. If I tried to read I just read the same few words over and over, and didn't understand any of them. If I watched television I couldn't follow the story lines at all. All I could do was dwell on all the horrible possibilities. Only a very few things were able to distract me from the worry and stress. Rationally, I knew it was more likely that he was still experiencing some side effects from the medications. That didn't matter, though. I couldn't stop all the "What ifs" from circling my brain constantly.

All that really came to a head in the spring of 2008 when Caradorn had to have a muscle biopsy. By this time I was nearly frantic with worry all the time. Caradorn doesn't like it when I worry so much, and so I did all I could to act cheerful. But once he left for work each day I fell apart. I cried almost constantly and felt like I couldn't breathe most of the time. When he went to Birmingham for his biopsy I went with him, and as I sat in the waiting room I was almost hyperventilating. I couldn't focus on anything and just stared off into space wondering how I could live without him.

The next week while we waited for his results was horrible. By then even he was worried, which made me even more frantic. Finally the doctor called, and the results were good. Caradorn had been right all along - he was suffering some of the side effects from the medication, but he was expected to be fine. He has a lovely scar as a reminder of that time, but other than that he's finally back to normal.

You might think that the fact that Caradorn was right would have taught me a lesson about worrying. I wasted so much time panicking over all the things that could happen, and I didn't spend enough time appreciating everything that wasn't wrong. And I might have gotten a little bit better after all that, but I do still worry far too much. At least I am aware of it, though. And I have gotten a bit better about focusing on the good things and not letting the worry take over my life. But still, if you were to ask me if I am an optimist or a pessimist I'd have a hard time answering. I believe I'm an optimist. I like to think I see the best in any situation. But I also see all those other possibilities - all the ways that something might go wrong. I'm not a "Glass half empty" type, but I'm not totally a "Glass half full" type either. I guess you could sum up my outlook as "Glass half full. . .for now."

I'm Back

If you've kept up at all with this blog lately, you will have noticed that I haven't kept up with it. I've been posting most of the time over at Myspace. I've decided that it's time to move back over here, and so I will slowly be porting my older posts onto this blog. All of my new entries will appear here first, though some of them might make their way over there eventually.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Where do you draw the line?

I'm not a huge fan of professional football, but living where I do it's not surprising that I am a Tennessee Titans Fan. Even though Steve McNair wasn't a Titan any more I still was horribly sorry to hear of his death the other day. I remembered him as an all around nice guy and good person, as well as a talented athlete. And then the details started to come out. He had been having an affair with a 20 year old. I feel horrible for his poor wife, and I have to admit that it has changed the way I feel about McNair. It's hard to think of him as a good person when I know he was having an affair with some other girl while he was married, and even though all his other good qualities haven't changed I still think less of him now. I got to wondering about the whole thing, though, and I just don't see how his wife didn't know about the affair. Maybe I shouldn't feel so sorry for her. Maybe she knew and was okay with his relationship - obviously I'm not privy to the details of his marriage, so they could have had an open relationship. Or maybe not. His fans probably won't ever know, and it's really not our business anyway. But it's still hard not to wonder about it. He was vacationing with the girl - surely his wife knew where he was. And if she didn't - why didn't she? It's a fine line, I guess. You don't want to be the kind of person who monitors your spouse's every move, but shouldn't you at least know what city they are in most of the time? His wife shouldn't have had to follow him around in order to keep him from having an affair, but should she have been more proactive about protecting their relationship?

I admit that I can be a jealous person, and I try hard to keep that under control. Caradorn isn't jealous, but I try to avoid doing anything that I wouldn't want him doing. We both have friends of the opposite sex, and with that comes the potential for lots of jealousy - especially on my end. These days, sites like Myspace, Facebook and Twitter add a whole new complication to relationships. Caradorn was fine with me signing up for those sites, even though it meant that I reconnected with some of my close guy friends. And of course I've gotten the occasional odd request from random guys who are obviously looking for more than friends, but we laugh at those together before I delete them. I made Caradorn sign up for each of those sites when I did - I thought it would be better if we were both on there. He doesn't use Myspace much, and never uses Twitter but he's really gotten into Facebook. And of course as part of that he's been reconnecting with girls from High School and college. We have each other's passwords, and with my jealousy issues it's sometimes difficult for me to not sign in to see his interactions with the other girls. But I don't, because I do trust him.

Where do you draw the line, though? At what point does jealousy become warranted? What is the line between being too controlling and being foolish and naive? I know that if I were to forbid Cardorn from talking to his female friends that would be too controlling (and I wouldn't want to do that, anyway). I know that allowing him to vacation alone with a female friend would be foolish (and he wouldn't want to do that, thankfully). I think it's foolish not to point out when I think a girl has a crush on him, even though I know he doesn't reciprocate. I think it's overly controlling to expect him to cut off contact with her completely, though - unless we know for sure she has a romantic interest in him, in which case I think it would be foolish not to cut her off. Some things are clearly too controlling, but some are just smart if you're trying to protect your relationship from outside temptations or complications.

I couldn't be happy with someone who didn't understand my friendships with other guys, and I know it would bother Caradorn if I asked him not to have female friends any longer. And I know that neither of us has to worry about the other falling for someone else. Plus, this is a relationship, not a prison. Neither one of us would be happy if we were constantly policing the other's actions. I try to make sure that Caradorn knows who my guy friends are and I include him (or offer to, at least) when I see them. I expect him to do the same. I think if either of us had a relationship with someone that we wanted to keep secret from the other then that would be a problem.

I think if you are the kind of person who would cheat then you will find a way to cheat. Maybe you will hook up with some girl from Myspace like the Barenaked Ladies guy did. Maybe you'll fall for a waitress at Dave and Busters like McNair apparently did. Or maybe you'll fall for a coworker or family friend, or any one of the other people you come into contact with every day. But I also think that people can be stupid sometimes, and in a moment of weakness maybe you will act on temptation and regret it later. I suppose the best thing for a relationship is just to avoid temptation, or to minimize the situations where it might occur. But of course we never know where that might happen - I could tell Caradorn I don't want him hanging out with his female friends without me, but I can't forbid him from going to work without me. Obviously there comes a point where we just have to trust each other. I just wish it was easier to see where that line between being jealous and being smart really is.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Finally!

Caradorn, The Kidd and I decided at the last minute that we really wanted to spend the Fourth of July in Orlando. We called just to see if there were rooms left, fully expecting that they would be fully booked. Shockingly, they weren't. Even more surprising, to me at least, was the fact that the rates were quite reasonable. And so here we are!

This morning we went to Seaworld and rode the Manta. I love roller coasters but I do tend to get nervous before my first ride on a new coaster and by the time we were about to board I was practically hyperventilating. But then someone from the single rider line joined our row, and he was Irish. There was some sort of delay and it seemed like we stood there forever waiting to board but I didn't mind since I was busy trying to keep Irish Guy talking. He was so fun to listen to that I stayed distracted until we finally boarded and took off. During the ride he kept yelling "Fabulous!" which struck me as really funny for some reason. The ride was great - we all loved it, even Irish Guy.

After Seaworld we headed over to Epcot. We grabbed lunch and did some shopping (yay, Vinylmations and Japanese candy!) And of course we went to see "What's Your Problem?" again since we saw Snoopy in there. It's funny - I had a hard time making myself speak to my favorite Adventurers while they were at the Club. I liked them, but they made me horribly nervous. I've spoken to them all far more in our trips since the Club closed than I ever did while it was open. I still wish we could be at the Club tonight, but I do enjoy seeing the former cast around the World (and Orlando) while we are here.

Tomorrow is the Fourth, and we will spend the morning back in Epcot trying to ride Test Track and Soarin, and seeing if there are any familiar faces in the United Kingdom. And then tomorrow evening is the part of the trip I was most looking forward to - Black Ship Sky will be playing at a Fourth of July benefit. We haven't seen them live before and I am very excited about finally seeing them play. I am hoping that Lancelot will be there, since we somehow haven't seen him at all since the Club closed. The last concert we almost went to he didn't perform at, but hopefully he will be there tomorrow. Either way, it will be great to see the band. Finally!

And of course the whole time we are here I will be pointing out all the reasons we should move here, and Caradorn will be pointing out all the reasons it's good we don't live here. But that's one argument I am confident I will win - though it might take a few years. :) After all, I have the lure of the Space Coast on my side and what Rocket Scientist can resist the call of the Space Coast?!

For now, though, I'll just enjoy vacationing here as often as possible. . . and finally seeing Black Ship Sky performing. I think this is going to be a very good Fourth of July. And I hope it's a good one for you, as well. Happy Independence Day!