Trying to let it go

We had a wonderful time in Orlando, and I had planned to post about that today, but there's something that's been on my mind lately that I want to get off my chest. I'll post about the trip later.

I've mentioned Nate before on here. He was the guy who taught me to juggle, who I dated for a while. He's also the guy who broke up with me while I was in the hospital with my blood clot, because he couldn't be involved with someone who wasn't perfectly healthy and still be a missionary. Even after we broke up we spent most of our time together. I was still sort of his "unofficial sidekick", performing with him when he did appearances and being a roadie of sorts. Really the only thing that changed was that there wasn't any kissing going on (not that there'd been much of that before, anyway) and we no longer said we were dating. We stayed good friends, though. And he would occasionally mention how much happier he was now that we weren't dating, because he didn't really "believe" in dating - but that eventually, if I recovered from the clot okay and my doctors said I was "normal" again, we might end up married.

I have no idea why I put up with all that. He had hurt me so deeply when he broke up with me, and he made me feel terrible about myself - he constantly criticised me, saying I was fat or that I looked sick if I didn't wear lots of makeup. I wasn't fat . . . I was 5'6" and weighed 110 pounds, but he encouraged me to get healthier and so I got down to 98 pounds. If I sang in the car he'd tell me I really shouldn't; I should leave the music to others who could actually sing. And yet through all this I stayed with him, and I hoped desperately that I could get healthy enough that I would be good enough for him.

For the year after my clot, I had blood tests at least once a week and went back to my specialist several times. Before each appointment Nate would pray that the doctors would declare me "healthy". Each time that they didn't, he would blame me. He said I must not be praying hard enough, or that I wasn't asking enough people to pray for me. He said that if I prayed hard enough that God would cure me, and each time I wasn't cured it meant that I didn't have enough faith. He said that if I was a strong enough Christian that I wouldn't be sick to begin with, and if some lapse on my part had caused my illness then I would be cured as soon as I was "right with God".

After a year of this I was finally declared healthy. And I was thrilled, but of course by this time I was starting to come to my senses and I wasn't sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Nate. But now that I was normal again he was apparently becoming more sure that we did belong together. I asked him once what would happen if we did get married and then I became ill. He didn't have an answer - he seemed to think such a thing was unthinkable because God would never lead him to marry someone imperfect like that. We still weren't officially dating, and I finally decided that it might be nice to see other people. I warned him I was going to, and he was fine with that. So I started dating again. A few months later, when I told Nate that Caradorn and I were seeing each other, he seemed shocked. Apparently he thought I would get tired of seeing other people and come back to him.

Even after all this we stayed friends. We still juggled together with our other partners Llama and Chelle, we still performed together, we still spent time together. But strictly as friends. He was one of the first people I called when I got engaged, and he was the first person I told (other than family) when we set a wedding date. After Caradorn and I moved to Tucson, Nate came to visit us. We kept in touch for several years after that, but lost touch when I moved to Rocket City. Recently we started communicating again. He still travels around juggling - he even performs at my church and the church in my hometown sometimes. He "friended" me on Facebook a few weeks ago, and that was when I found out the news about his Dad . . . he has cancer, and it's not looking good at this point.

I am not always a very good person. I know I have a mean streak sometimes, and I try hard to keep it under control. I have no problem being horribly mean during raging arguments, or skewering people who I think deserve it, but I try not to hit someone when they are down. What Nate and his Dad need right now is support. They need someone who is upbeat and cheerful, who believes everything will be okay. Someone who has faith and compassion and who can find just the right words to make them feel better and keep their hope alive. So when I send messages to Nate I try to sound like a little ray of sunshine, as though I believe everything will work out for the best and that soon Nate's Dad will be all better.

But that's not what I want to do. I want to ask him what his Dad did wrong. I want to ask him why his Dad didn't have enough faith to avoid getting sick to begin with. I want to ask him why God would let a missionary like him get stuck with a sick (and dying) father who he has to drive to appointments instead of dashing off to his performances. I can't believe I still feel so angry after all these years, but I really do. He made me so miserable for so long, and made me hate myself for not being perfect. Now that it's his Dad who is sick, none of those things apply any longer. Of course Nate thinks his Dad has enough faith. Of course Nate doesn't think it's his Dad's fault that he's sick. And of course I don't think it is his Dad's fault - but I don't think it was my fault I was sick, either. I so want to point out Nate's hypocrisy, but I won't. I will try my hardest to be good friend to Nate and his family, because that's what they need right now. And I know that things worked out for the best - I'm where I am supposed to be, with the person I was meant to be with. I have no regrets about that at all, but I do regret letting Nate make me feel so bad about myself for so long. Hopefully getting all this out here will let me get it out of my system once and for all. I don't want to be the kind of person who would take cheap shots at someone who is losing a family member. I don't want to be the kind of person who would even be tempted to take cheap shots, but sadly I am. I want to be a better person than that. But at least I won't let Nate know that I have any thoughts like that. Hopefully now that I've ranted about it here I can finally just let it go.