Public Displays of . . . something.

    I've always said that I am not a fan of public diplays of affection.  And I really thought that I wasn't, but I've realized recently that I actually quite like public displays of affection.  I think they are cute.  It's public displays of other things that I dislike.

    After being around other couples quite a bit recently, I've noticed that Caradorn and I tend to be more affectionate in public than most people we know.  That surprised me, since I was so convinced that I was very anti-PDA.  But we hold hands when we are together, and I often lean my head on his shoulder when we are sitting together.  Sometimes he even puts his arm around me.  (Gasp!)  It doesn't bother me when I see other couples acting like that; in fact I find it adorable.  These sorts of displays really aren't even limited to couples.  I have friends (both guys and girls) who I hug when I see them, or friends I put my arm around or punch on the shoulder.  And those are also displays of affection, from me at least, because if I don't feel some affection for you I'm going to do my best not to touch you at all if I can avoid it. 

    But then there are those other displays, the ones that I dislike so intensely.  And I've discovered that those aren't really public displays of affection.  They are public displays of other things.  There are a couple of different types that I've been seeing quite often lately, and I really really dislike them. 

    The first is a public display of. . . attraction?  Lust?  Exhibitionism?  I don't know exactly what motivates it, but it's easy to recognize.  I think a quick peck on the cheek or forehead is sweet.  Open mouthed kissing or groping?  Not so much.  That sort of behavior that ellicits cries of "Get a room" is not affectionate.   Yes, I get that you find each other attractive, and that's great for you.  Really, it is.  But I don't want to see that sort of thing, and if I did there are plenty of videos I could watch to get my fix. Plus, they feature people who are much more attractive. (And trust me, there's a reason I am not buying those videos - I DON"T WANT TO SEE IT!)  I don't want to see you licking each other's faces (Yes.  I've really seen that, and it was as revolting as you might imagine.)  I don't want to see you grabbing each other's butts.  I don't care if you are exhibitionists or if you are just so wrapped up in each other that you forget the rest of the world is out there.  I don't want to be a voyeur; I don't like it!  Just get a room. 

   Fortunately I actually don't know any couples who act like this.  I do seem to encounter couples like that quite often, though.  And I have to think they are doing it on purpose.  Kissing in a dark corner of a bar is one thing, but I keep running into these couples who are groping each other in the lines at Disney World or at a playground filled with children.  Honestly, if you are so close to other people that they can hear the smacky, slurpy noises you are making while kissing then you are waaaaay to close to be behaving that way!  It's nauseating.  If you are such exhibitionists that you can only enjoy the physical side of your relationship when you have an audience, there are places that encourage that sort of thing.  The city street, the grocery store, theme parks, city parks. . . those are not the kind of places where you should be putting on your own adult show.

   The other type is that one that really drives me insane.  It's a public display of. . . possessiveness? Ownership?  This may seem a little bit hypocritcal since I think this sort of display is rooted in jealousy, and I admit that I can be a jealous person.  I don't use PDA to "stake my claim", though, which many people seem to do.  I dated a guy in college, Nate, who did that.  He was very opposed to public displays of affection.  He wouldn't hold my hand, would rarely dance with me, didn't even want to tell people we were dating.  It was like I was his dirty little secret most of the time.  Unless we were around someone that I had dated or who Nate thought might be interested in me.  Then suddenly he was like an octopus - he couldn't keep his tentacles ("Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Big difference!") off of me.  He would throw his arm around me or cling to my hand like a vice.  It was bizarre - like a weird cross between a little kid clinging to his mother's leg and yanking on her sleeve as she tries to talk to someone ("Mom! Mom! Mom! Hey Mom!") and a dog lifting his leg against a tree ("My tree. Mine.  All mine. SQUIRREL! My tree. Mine.")  I hated it, and after that relationship ended I swore I'd never be in a relationship like that again. 

    I know a guy now whose wife is like that, and it baffles me when I see them together.  Why does he put up with that?  Does he like it because it makes him feel wanted?  Does he tolerate it because they are married and he doesn't have a choice?  It seems so desperate and insecure.  Seriously, hanging from him isn't going to keep poachers away, it's just going to make you look like you don't trust him.  It sort of makes me sad, honestly.  I like it when the people I like are in happy relationships, and seeing this weird sort of clingy possessiveness always makes me assume that the relationship isn't very strong.  I really don't think that's the sort of message that the clingy people are trying to send - it seems pretty counter-productive.  "Look how close we are.  We're inseparable.  Really.  See?  He can't get away from me.  So give up.  Stop looking at him.  He's mine. All mine.  Really.  Right, Honey?  Honey?  Stop looking at her.  Look at me.  Me!  Memememememe."  Sorry, but clinging to your significant other like a vine any time you feel like someone is interested in him is not a display of affection.  It's a display of immaturity.  He's with you, presumably because he wants to be.  Relax and enjoy the relationship and stop worrying about everyone else.  Trust me, you - and everyone else - will end up happier that way.

    It sort of makes me feel old, like I ought to be waving my fist and yelling at those pesky kids to get off my lawn.  But I want to start treating these annoying couples like I used to treat my cats.  Each time I see an innappropriate public display of affection I just want to whip out my water bottle and spray them in the faces.  "Bad couple. Bad! No kissing/groping/clinging. No!"  Or maybe I could just sneak up behind them with a can filled with coins and shake it by their ears.   I suspect that wouldn't go over well.  There are probably rules against doing things like that.  It's really tempting, though.  But I guess that would be considered a public display of aggression, which probably isn't much better than the displays I'm trying to prevent.  So I'll do my best to fight the urge, for now at least.  But if one day you happen to notice a crazy woman spraying couples with a water bottle, or bopping their noses with a rolled up newspaper, come over and say "Hi".  It's probably me.