Identity

I rarely post about The Kidd online. I may post about things we do as a family, but not usually about him personally. There are a couple of reasons for that. One is that I just don't want to put his information out there too much - he's almost at the age where he would be embarrassed if his friends found stuff about him online, and I figure he can choose what he wants to share for himself before too long. The other reason is more selfish, and I feel a little bit bad about it. Soon after The Kidd was born I became a stay at home mom. He even played soccer for a while, so then I became the dreaded "soccer mom". And even though I would never trade him for anything, I sometimes feel that, for moms much more than dads, once you have a child you no longer exist as an individual any more . . . you are always "The Mom" after that. And because we left the city where I had grown up and moved a couple of times before settling down here in Rocket City, very few people I interact with much now knew me "Before". Now most of our conversations revolve around our kids.

I love The Kidd and I don't say often enough how proud I am of him. Still, I have started to understand more what people mean when they say they have "Lost themselves". It is so easy as a parent to become swallowed up in that role and to forget to have a life of your own as well. Staying at home made it that much harder for me; everyone I met for several years was either a parent or teacher from The Kidd's school or someone we interacted with as a family.

I even lost track of most of my closest friends from high school and college, though I still care about them a great deal. There were a few reasons for that, as well. We had The Kidd before most of our friends started their families, which made socializing more difficult for a while. Also, add to that the fact that most of my friends have always been guys. Even though Caradorn doesn't seem to have a jealous bone in his body, I still feel strange about maintaining close, one-on-one friendships with other guys. And often their wives or girlfriends weren't too thrilled with the guys hanging out with me, either. Not that I really blame them; I say I want Caradorn to stay in touch with his female friends from school, but I think I'm somewhat relieved that he doesn't have much contact with them. Fortunately a few of the friendships have morphed into friendships between two couples instead of two individuals, but some of my friends I've lost track of completely over the years.

As I was growing up I was almost painfully shy. I overcame that somewhat in high school, and by college I was far more outgoing than I had ever been before. Staying home with The Kidd for the first few years of his life, though, I lapsed back into being much less outgoing. It's been difficult for me to force myself to become more interactive again. It's just easier to be in the background as "The mom" or "The wife" than to step to the forefront as an individual.

Online, though, most people I interact with just know me. It's the place where more people identify me as "Skurvy" than as "The Kidd's Mom" or as "Caradorn's Wife". And I have missed that more than I realized. Over the years my interests got lost in the shuffle, and I focused more on things we like as a family. Aside from insisting on keeping the car I got in high school and going to see David Copperfield, I let most other things that really were part of my identity as an individual slip away over the years. I even stopped playing flute and juggling for the most part, and those were the two things that were most important to me for a long time.

Caradorn and The Kidd are most important to me now, though I don't say it enough. Being The Kidd's mom and Caradorn's wife are the most important things about me these days, but that isn't all that I am. I am trying lately to make myself remember that. I don't want to be floundering for an identity in a few years when The Kidd heads off to college! I want to be an equal part of this family, with a life of my own, and not just the support staff. Caradorn has tried for years to get me to follow more of my own interests, and I am going to try to force myself to finally do just that. I feel like an individual online already; hopefully I can start feeling that way in "real life" again soon.