Where do you draw the line?

I'm not a huge fan of professional football, but living where I do it's not surprising that I am a Tennessee Titans Fan. Even though Steve McNair wasn't a Titan any more I still was horribly sorry to hear of his death the other day. I remembered him as an all around nice guy and good person, as well as a talented athlete. And then the details started to come out. He had been having an affair with a 20 year old. I feel horrible for his poor wife, and I have to admit that it has changed the way I feel about McNair. It's hard to think of him as a good person when I know he was having an affair with some other girl while he was married, and even though all his other good qualities haven't changed I still think less of him now. I got to wondering about the whole thing, though, and I just don't see how his wife didn't know about the affair. Maybe I shouldn't feel so sorry for her. Maybe she knew and was okay with his relationship - obviously I'm not privy to the details of his marriage, so they could have had an open relationship. Or maybe not. His fans probably won't ever know, and it's really not our business anyway. But it's still hard not to wonder about it. He was vacationing with the girl - surely his wife knew where he was. And if she didn't - why didn't she? It's a fine line, I guess. You don't want to be the kind of person who monitors your spouse's every move, but shouldn't you at least know what city they are in most of the time? His wife shouldn't have had to follow him around in order to keep him from having an affair, but should she have been more proactive about protecting their relationship?

I admit that I can be a jealous person, and I try hard to keep that under control. Caradorn isn't jealous, but I try to avoid doing anything that I wouldn't want him doing. We both have friends of the opposite sex, and with that comes the potential for lots of jealousy - especially on my end. These days, sites like Myspace, Facebook and Twitter add a whole new complication to relationships. Caradorn was fine with me signing up for those sites, even though it meant that I reconnected with some of my close guy friends. And of course I've gotten the occasional odd request from random guys who are obviously looking for more than friends, but we laugh at those together before I delete them. I made Caradorn sign up for each of those sites when I did - I thought it would be better if we were both on there. He doesn't use Myspace much, and never uses Twitter but he's really gotten into Facebook. And of course as part of that he's been reconnecting with girls from High School and college. We have each other's passwords, and with my jealousy issues it's sometimes difficult for me to not sign in to see his interactions with the other girls. But I don't, because I do trust him.

Where do you draw the line, though? At what point does jealousy become warranted? What is the line between being too controlling and being foolish and naive? I know that if I were to forbid Cardorn from talking to his female friends that would be too controlling (and I wouldn't want to do that, anyway). I know that allowing him to vacation alone with a female friend would be foolish (and he wouldn't want to do that, thankfully). I think it's foolish not to point out when I think a girl has a crush on him, even though I know he doesn't reciprocate. I think it's overly controlling to expect him to cut off contact with her completely, though - unless we know for sure she has a romantic interest in him, in which case I think it would be foolish not to cut her off. Some things are clearly too controlling, but some are just smart if you're trying to protect your relationship from outside temptations or complications.

I couldn't be happy with someone who didn't understand my friendships with other guys, and I know it would bother Caradorn if I asked him not to have female friends any longer. And I know that neither of us has to worry about the other falling for someone else. Plus, this is a relationship, not a prison. Neither one of us would be happy if we were constantly policing the other's actions. I try to make sure that Caradorn knows who my guy friends are and I include him (or offer to, at least) when I see them. I expect him to do the same. I think if either of us had a relationship with someone that we wanted to keep secret from the other then that would be a problem.

I think if you are the kind of person who would cheat then you will find a way to cheat. Maybe you will hook up with some girl from Myspace like the Barenaked Ladies guy did. Maybe you'll fall for a waitress at Dave and Busters like McNair apparently did. Or maybe you'll fall for a coworker or family friend, or any one of the other people you come into contact with every day. But I also think that people can be stupid sometimes, and in a moment of weakness maybe you will act on temptation and regret it later. I suppose the best thing for a relationship is just to avoid temptation, or to minimize the situations where it might occur. But of course we never know where that might happen - I could tell Caradorn I don't want him hanging out with his female friends without me, but I can't forbid him from going to work without me. Obviously there comes a point where we just have to trust each other. I just wish it was easier to see where that line between being jealous and being smart really is.